-Halima Ahmad Matazu

I wasn’t sure what love was, exactly. But in the gentle rocking, the muffled laughter that sometimes vibrated through me, I felt cherished, and protected. It was a feeling so profound, so all-encompassing, that it filled the entirety of my tiny world.

Mama. The word itself sent a warmth blooming in my chest, a feeling unlike anything else. It was a connection, a knowing. She was the source of the muffled chatter that sometimes reached me, the soft melodies that drifted down lullabies, maybe? The way she moved, sometimes slow and deliberate, sometimes with a hurried bounce, it all spoke to me. It spoke of love.

I wasn’t much yet, just a collection of growing cells, but even in this darkness, I practiced what I thought love might be. I wiggled my minuscule fingers and toes, a silent dance of appreciation for the warmth that surrounded me. Sometimes, I imagined myself reaching out, touching the source of this love, this Mama.

Sometimes, a deeper boom resonated, sending a thrill through my tiny form. But I felt. I felt the steady thump-thump-thump,that was my mama’s heartbeat, a comforting lullaby that lulled me to a peaceful slumber. Sometimes, when she laughed, a vibration danced across my watery world, tickling me from the inside. It was the sweetest sound in this world I hadn’t even seen yet.

I didn’t have eyes yet, but I could sense the world through Mama’s movements. A slow sway meant contentment; a sudden jolt meant surprise. I learned her moods, her laughter a bubbly vibration that made me do somersaults, her worries a dull ache that made me want to curl up tighter, sending her calming thoughts in return.

One day, a new sensation joined the symphony. A flutter, like a butterfly’s wings, against the wall of my world. It startled me, but then, a soft laugh echoed down Mama’s laugh! It was filled with such delight that the feeling spread to me, a warm tingle that made me want to giggle along, even though I didn’t have a voice yet.

The flutters grew stronger, more frequent. They became a game, a secret language between Mama and me. I’d push back, a playful nudge against the wall, and felt Mama flinch. Then, a wave of warmth washed over me a soft laugh, a murmur of, “Jambo, mtoto wangu. Is that you my little one?”

It was the most beautiful sound I’d ever perceived. Mama was talking to me! I wiggled with excitement, and the pressure returned, a loving caress this time. I knew then, with a certainty that transcended words, that this woman, with her heart’s steady beat and her voice like a warm song, was mine. She was Mama, and I loved her with a fierceness that surprised even me.

I learned the gurgle of my own stomach, the whoosh of my own breath. But Mama’s heartbeat remained the constant, the anchor in this swirling world. I practiced kicking, the only way I knew to express the love that bubbled inside me. Each kick, a silent “Nakupenda, Mama. I love you Mama”

And then, one day, the muffled world began to fade. The whoosh receded, replaced by a cacophony of sounds. A strange pressure, a tightening. It was uncomfortable, a little scary. But then, a new sound filled my world. A soft, rhythmic moaning. It was Mama, in pain.

A surge of protectiveness, a feeling I didn’t understand, flooded me. I kicked, strong and purposeful, a silent plea for her to be alright. The pressure intensified, then receded. The sound of her moaning faded into a sigh of relief.

And then, silence. A different kind of silence, filled with anticipation. Blurry shapes danced before me, then slowly resolved. A face, the most beautiful face I could ever imagine, swam into view. Eyes filled with tears; a smile so wide it crinkled the corners. Then, a voice, shaky but filled with love, whispered, “Karibu. Welcome to the world, my love.” It was Mama!

In that moment, with our eyes locked, a new feeling bloomed in my chest. Not just love, but a fierce protectiveness, a desire to make this beautiful creature smile forever. I may have been small, but my love for Mama was a universe waiting to be explored. And I couldn’t wait to show her, one kick, one gurgle, one gummy grin at a time.